I Need Thee

For a while now there has been something that has been weighing on my heart...well, my soul really. Do you ever have moments in your life where you know what you are suppose to be doing, but for some reason, everything else seems to take priority and you don't do that one thing you should be? For some reason, this seems to happen in a lot of areas in my life, but lately there's been one area that has really been eating up inside me. My relationship with my Father in Heaven and savior Jesus Christ. I have always felt a connection with my Heavenly Father. Even in hard times and times when I fall away or don't communicate. I have never doubted the presence of my Lord and savior. He is a constant thought, feeling and need in my heart. But for something that seems to always be there, why do I not give Him the time and devotion He deserves? 

Every week at church, I sit there and try to listen and feel the spirit (it's hard with three kids and half the time I'm alone). Yet somehow, in all the chaos, I do and I feel so uplifted and grateful for my Lord and all that He has given me...even though I feel like I don't deserve any of it. He continues to bless me and my family and send me reminders of His presence, always letting me know He's there and just waiting for me to call on Him. But you know what...I don't. I don't make extra time for Him. I know I need to. It eats away at me every night as I go to bed and think, "I didn't read my scriptures today...or teach my children anything about Jesus today...or even just say a prayer." I usually end this thought by saying a prayer of apology...but what good is an "I'm sorry" if I keep on doing the same thing every day? 

I feel like I always have great intentions of giving time to the Lord. I come up with a schedule and try to stick to it, but after about a week everything just stops. I give up and the guilt starts to build up inside me. I feel like if I miss a day of scripture reading, that I need to make up for it during my next reading. But then that means I take longer time to get my reading done, and when I miss more than one day, the reading list gets longer and longer and then I feel overwhelmed and just can't do it! (Just like every other aspect in my life...cleaning, fitness, etc.) 

But is time with our Father in Heaven suppose to be a chore? Or stressful and overwhelming? No! It's suppose to be genuine and sincere. He wants me to know Him. How do you get to know someone if you don't spend any time with them? I just feel like a hypocrite lately. I teach kids on Sunday and tell them all the things they should be doing...all the things that I am not doing. Even when I do have moments with my own children, I feel like I'm lying...I need to teach by example. And I'm not really a great example in that area right now. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is even though I've been doing some cleaning around the house and making lists of all the other things I want to accomplish, I feel like my priorities may not be in order. I need to put God first. I need to make time for Him. I need to be fed by the words of the scriptures and strengthen my relationship with Him. Once I start doing this and figure out a good routine, I will definitely share what I have found to work! Having a gospel-centered life is something I have always longed for, but I can't expect my family to be gospel centered if I'm not living it either. I need to start with me and then add we. As I'm writing this, I find myself humming one of my favorite hymns. 

 

So in the mix of all the things I am trying to fix about my life, I am going to take time everyday to spend with our Lord. He has given me so much and still does, He deserves to be first on my list of priorities.