Where Do I Begin?

Well, since this blog will pretty much be my fixing everything blog, don't be surprised if there are multiple posts a day.  I'm going to try not to mix my categories together in the same blog posts.  So that means that my cleaning and organizing posts will be separate from my healthy living and parenting post, etc.  So where the heck do I begin with all this?!

I should first explain why I decided to do this.  A few months ago, shortly after having my third child, I made the decision to stay home with my kids and quit my job.  That has been such a hard thing for me because I really loved my job and LOVED the people I worked with.  I am still so sad to this day that I don't get to see them everyday. However, I have been so grateful that we have been blessed with the opportunity for me to be able to stay home with the kids.  It has been so rewarding and challenging, but I am loving every moment...almost.  This is where we get into my reasons for starting this journey.

Ever since I have been home, I have not been able to find my motivation.  I don't have a good routine.  I can't seem to keep up with the daily tasks around the house.  I feel like I never have any time for anything - not extra cleaning/organizing, not fun time with the kids, not me time, no hubby time, just no time.  When the kids go to bed at night, I know it is my opportunity to straighten up and get things in order so we can start the  next day off right...but I never do!  What is wrong with me?!  I don't know.  I just don't know where my motivation, my desire, my energy has gone.  And I'm tired of feeling this way!

I'm tired of being the mom, the wife, the person who has these great ideas and plans but never does any of them.  I know I have disappointed my family when I say that I'll get something done and I don't...why? Because I don't...I don't have a good excuse.  Laziness? Maybe. Exhaustion? Probably. But that shouldn't matter, I have always been a woman of my word and have been a productive person...but these last 6+ months (yes, that's half a year!) I have just not been. I just don't feel like myself!

So what am I doing to change this, you ask?  Well, first I decided to write a list of all the things I do not like about me right now.  Here is the short, non-detailed version:
1) I'm not motivated or productive
2) I feel sluggish and tired all the time
3) I have been short tempered and irritated
4) My house is messy all the time
5) I'm not spending quality time with family
6) I'm too distracted with mobile device
7) I'm not spending time with my Lord (praying, scripture reading, etc.)
8) I do not think I am pretty or attractive
9) I compare myself to other people...all the time!
10) I'm bored

Ok, so that list may seem a little much but these are honestly the things that are going on with me and I need to work on. I don't really know how I am going to fix all these, but that's the purpose of blogging for me.  I am going to document my journey so I can see what works and what doesn't and have record of the goods and the bads so I can hopefully keep myself going and keep being a better me.  I know there are going to be days where I feel like a failure, but I need to keep going.  Change doesn't happen over night.

I have a good friend who has embarked on a getting healthy journey a few months ago and just watching her progress and hearing how happy she is with herself has really inspired me.  She started her program 10 weeks ago (I think) and I remember thinking, "man, I really need to get motivated and do something." Well that was ten weeks ago and guess what, I have done nothing!  She recently posted an update, and I felt so proud of her and also so upset with myself that I have done absolutely nothing. What is my deal?! I don't know! I just don't feel like doing anything...and I am starting to FEEL it.

I feel tired and sluggish because of my lack of movement.  And because my body is changing (not for the good), I get down and depressed and I eat!  Which doesn't help.  When I feel down in the dumps, I mope and just think of ways to escape. So I go on social media and look at everyone else's lives and dream of owning a home so I don't have to clean the one we're in and think of vacations we could go on so I get away from my not so fun life and I even research different health programs (that cost money) that I could do so I can get in shape.  It's really quite pathetic.  I'm in a rut and I'm stuck.  I need to get myself out before it becomes too much for me to handle.

So I decided to blog.  I hope to be posting photos of myself, my house and/or projects I'll be doing around the house, just everything I'm doing.  I really want to do before and afters.  I just want to show everyone that life can feel so hard sometimes, but you can get through it. I have friends and family who have real trials and struggles they are going through, and I'm over here like, "poor me, I can't get anything done."  It makes me feel so angry sometimes.  But that is also not a good attitude to have.

This post was meant to show you why I am doing what I am doing.  As you can clearly see, I have become a negative, not-so-fun person.  I miss the old me.  I want my kids to know me, I want them to have a mother who is a good example and has confidence so they will have confidence, I want my husband to be excited to come home and spend time with us, I want to look in the mirror and see someone I love, I want to love my home again and not feel like running away.  That is why I am doing this...I want to and I need to. If I have any ounce of love for myself left, I need to start showing it. Actions speak louder than words...it's time to start acting.